Do you see your aspirations for romantic love reflected in the media? If you’re monogamous, they likely are — at least to some extent — but if you’re polyamorous (i.e. engaging in multiple relationships with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved), you may feel invisible, as mainstream media rarely reflects the diversity of your experiences.
Polling research from YouGov in the U.S. shows that one in nine adults have been in a non-monogamous relationship, and 43 per cent of millennials and gen-Zers consider non-monogamy their ideal relationship structure. Yet, despite this growing reality, popular media remains hesitant to reflect these shifting dynamics in its narratives.
Research shows that one in nine adults have been in a non-monogamous relationship, and 43 per cent of millennials and gen-Zers consider non-monogamy their ideal relationship structure.
Yet, despite this growing reality, popular media remains hesitant to reflect these shifting dynamics in its narratives.
There have been next to no prominent shows or movies centering polyamory. At best we get sensationalized depictions of a couple using a third person as a sex toy, or as a complication to an existing relationship, like in the recent American reality show Couple to Throuple.
Some of the most iconic romantic films, including Titanic, The Notebook, and The Time Traveler’s Wife, have notable Canadian ties in both production and casting. Titanic was directed by Canadian filmmaker James Cameron and was shot mostly in Canada. The Notebook stars Canadian actors Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, and The Time Traveler’s Wife was largely filmed in Toronto.
Toronto is home to North America’s third-largest film industry and plays a key role in setting romantic expectations in film and television. And, while Toronto stands out for its ability to celebrate diversity and multiculturalism on screen, non-monogamy — a relationship structure with increased traction — remains notably underrepresented in visual media.
In Canada, monogamy was particularly significant during the early settler-colonial era. It was enforced by both church and government policies, especially on Indigenous peoples, many of whom did not practice monogamy as a cultural norm. For white settlers, the nuclear, monogamous family became a requirement for obtaining land, making this family structure essential for Canada’s nation-building and cultural formation. Monogamy wasn’t just a personal or social choice but played a fundamental role in the colonial agenda and the creation of Canadian identity.
These expectations shape everyone’s sense of belonging in society. State-sanctioned marriage is more than just a legal bond — it’s society’s stamp of approval. This is why marriage equality was significant for many in the LGBTQ+ community, not only because they wanted to marry their loved ones, but also because it symbolized human rights and societal recognition.
However, some anti-assimilationist queer individuals resisted the idea of basing their sense of belonging on conforming to monogamous norms. They sought to preserve the rich history of queer non-monogamy and refused to distance themselves from it. While heterosexual non-monogamy has often been more hidden and secretive, typically expressed through infidelity (a.k.a. cheating) and only recently openly acknowledged through polyamory, open relationships have long been an integral and accepted part of gay male culture. This tradition, alongside the vibrant cruising and bathhouse scenes on Church Street, remains a proud and enduring aspect of queer identity and history in Canada.
It’s not just the queer community that has feared discrimination for being non-monogamous, or the reinforcement of harmful stereotypes that label their sexuality as deviant. Many racialized minorities who are non-monogamous worry that their relationship choices could further alienate them from mainstream Canadian society. For some, expressing pride in their non-monogamous cultural heritage is something they suppress out of fear. Additionally, there are concerns about potential legal repercussions, as non-monogamy is not a legally protected status and could lead to serious consequences like deportation, losing social housing, or even custody of one’s children.
These fears aren’t unfounded. A friend was warned by her immigration lawyer to avoid sharing her non-monogamous relationships online after another client had their immigration application denied for that reason. I’ve also known people who lost custody of their children after ex-partners weaponized their non-monogamy, claiming they were unfit parents. In one case, Children’s Aid was called, with accusations of sexual abuse solely because the parents lived with multiple partners.
In 2017, I decided to host a monthly meetup at Glad Day Bookshop on Church Street, specifically as a safe space for Black, Indigenous, and people of colour individuals who are non-monogamous. What I thought would be an intimate gathering of about 11 people turned into a viral event, with 150 attendees filling the space. It was incredible to witness the diversity in the room: Métis polyamorous and Two-Spirit individuals, hijabi polyamorists, South Asian and trans polyamorous sex workers, people from social housing, elderly long-term swingers who had embraced polyamory later in life, and two attendees — one from West Africa and another a Black Canadian from rural Canada — both of whom had always embraced polyamory. We ran the event until 2019.
These were narratives that are too often missing or overlooked in mainstream conversations, and it was a powerful reminder of the rich diversity within non-monogamous communities.
During the pandemic, I launched Decolonizing Love, an online platform inspired by my workshop at Jal Gua, a Sudanese café in Regent Park. It educates people on breaking free from colonial ideas of love while exploring polyamory. We now have 350,000 followers across social media. Our most popular content? Videos that model real-life polyamory. That’s because the world is craving authentic representation of polyamorous love stories.
To meet this demand we’re tapping into Toronto’s unique filmmaking landscape and diverse artistic community.
This summer, we filmed a gonzo-style web series about a young Black couple played by Kwesi Jamaal and Taneikah Anderson opening up their relationship and exploring polyamory in Toronto. Our cast, drawn from across the GTA — Scarborough, Midtown, and Queen West — worked alongside a production group, SandboxX Media from Jane and Finch, capturing scenes across iconic Toronto locations, including Kensington Market, Dundas Square and the Danforth.
Non-monogamous people of colour no longer need to wait for gatekeepers’ approval to be represented. Social media empowers us to create the stories we want, connect directly with audiences, and adapt in real-time based on feedback.
The Decolonizing Love web series will be available on all the major social media platforms this October.
This article appeared in the 2024 Oct/Nov issue.
